The Ex

We were having our normal conversation when the dreaded EX came to the topic. He said "You will always have a part of your heart for him". "If he choose to come back, you will choose him over me..."., while saying this words he is pointing to my heart. I never mention my ex to him, its too painful to remember. I reassured him, he wont come back and I won't choose him over what I have right now, but Nik said he will understand, because he knows whereever my EX is, he will also have a piece of his heart that belongs to only me and Ellyce.

I know it crushes him to know he was never the first. What is it with Ex's anyway, that make the current one scared sometimes? Will the past crush the present? Will it hinder the future? Will the ghost of the past haunt when you are almost at your happily ever after stage?

I really can't say what the future holds. I only can fathom its existance and I know it will be beyond my control. But I have to try to concentrate what I have now rather that what lies ahead. I am thankful of GOD's gift of love and forgiveness.. GOD's plans are not ours and I know HE knows better. Will we cross path again? or never?  All I can say nobody was never ready...all will be in HIS perfect time.

As we finish the dreaded conversation about the EX, I told him, "you know what I like about you, you always ask what I want and always ask what I am thinking" It means, I am important. He values what I have to say and I know I have a man for keeps. Thank you Lord for another chance and I pray that the next EX will be my husband...

DREAM

I once had a dream when I went here in Singapore. I wanted to run away, and start a new life. I left Philippines bankrupt. I told myself I do not want t hat to happen to me. I wanted to have financial freedom.

Fast forward 7 years here in Singapore, and I am on the same situation, still wishing for financial freedom. This time, it has more weight cause I am a single mom to a pretty smart girl. The question suddenly popped to my head and never stopped me thinking, "When will I have financial freedom?"

So I went home, asked my mom, "When did you retire?" She said 2005, she was 42 years old. My mom has a pride of a giant she will never admit it, she stopped working when I started earning. At a young age 22, I was the bread winner. I never experienced a time in my entire career, that I never made a budget. I'd always calculate, every month because I needed to know what bills to pay. Every year it is worst. This year I tell you, it hit me rock bottom. When you are in a financial crisis, even your family wont help you, they have thier own things to settle, that is for my case.

I needed to give an an answer to my question,  "When will I have financial freedom?" My answer is 42 like my mom. Let's face reality, who would take you for a job, when you are 42? Younger people are faster, smarter and paid lesser. I have been there, thats why I know. I want financial freedom for my daughter. I do not want the same thing that my parents did to us siblings. They literally relied on us. You don't have kids because in the future you want them to work for you. You want kids because you want your legacy to continue.

I want financial freedom, and an opportunity knock. I am not sure if it will succeed, but I will try. I talk to my mom, and since she is satisfied with her life, cause who would not be, getting what you want without hardwork? I don't want that to happen when Ellyce grows up. I want her to go to the school she wanted and have a happy life and not worrying how can she make a living for her mom to survive. I want to stop worrying how can I pay my debts. I want to stop worrying which bank can I loan or which friend can I borrow money from. I want to risk and take this chance.

Last Sunday, the speaker quote us one of  Steve Jobs lines: “Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma – which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.”

Let me end it with this story, my child wanted to go to disneyland because she wants to see the princesses. I want to make her wish come true. right now, I do not see myself granting her wish, because I am in debt to almost all my friends and 5 banks here in Singapore. So I want to grab this chance and one time opportunity. I want to grant her her wish.

Lord, guide me and teach me....Lord, if this is Your will, let no one or nothing stand in my way. Amen.

FAITH

Faith is believing you can walk on water. I lost my Faith....

My prayer...

Lord, teach me to be faithful once again. Start believing on your POWER and GRACE than my strength and fears. Bring my heart to know that you are GOD all mighty and all things can change in YOUR power. Forgive me , for I forgot how great YOU are and how majestic are YOUR plans for our lives.

Forgive me again, Father and I pray to be back in your arms.


Amen...

SANIDRAS

Nagsimula ang lahat sa eskwela, nagsama sama labing dalawa....hanggang ngayon pag naaalala ko ang highschool life ko, I always want to hum this song...

Minsan binibilang natin ang taon ng pag tanda natin, pero nakakalimutan natin bilangin ang taon na kasama natin ang mga tao sa buhay natin. Masasabi ko na mapalad ako, kasi di ko hiningi pero napabilang ako sa kanila. Naalala ko yun, first day of school sa APHS, 1990 , I GOOD daw ako, simper masaya kasi kasama ko ung ibang classmate ko sa elementary. Di ko pa sila ka close nun, pero nagkikita na kami at nagkakausap. Sumiklab and natatago naming bonding 2nd year high school, kung tutuusin masaya ako na bumaba ang section ko kasi kung hindi di ko sila makikilala. hehehe =) Puppy love, crushes, eraser heads, away sa corridor, tambay sa wawa, after school chikahan. I was accepted and felt loved in this group.

Fast forward, 20 years na kami this coming 2014, reunion raw ulit ng highschool namin, pero meron rin kami na reunion namin.. Magkikita kita kami ulit lahat this Novermber 2014. After 20 years, may mga supling na kami.. Dami pa rin napapag kwnetuhan at gumagawa talaga ng paraan. Siguro tama ang kasabihan na pag gusto may paraan pag ayaw maraming dahilan. Kasi kahit gaano kalayo pa ang narating namin geographically, we still find ways to talk, to inspire each other, to laugh, to teach each other, to ask questions, to confess without being judged and to be loved.

I found a family in them and I love them.. My Kadas Forever....

 



Heart's Day

Staring at my laptop, and learning my way to Windows 8, I decided to take a break before I explode. I visited you again.. my blog site.

How are you doing? Its been a year since I lay eyes upon you, let's just say I still do not have the drive to write. I needed inspiration, however, inspiration is like a butterfly, the more I long for it, it eludes me..

My body misses the adrenaline rush, maybe it's too old.. as they say I am an old soul.. hehehe =) But good news, my heart starting to pump again, not blood but slowly starting to feel again. The very last heart ache almost put it in comatose. It's like a soldier left on the battle field half dead, if there was 3/4 dead then it would be like it. Sometimes, I think I lived like a zombie for almost 5 years..not feeling anything...Sometimes, I asked myself, do I not feel anything anymore, or my heart is just to scared to be left dead again?? Since I cannot find within me the answer to that question .. Let me just have this prayer:

Lord, I am scared. I once, had the courage that I can do anything, that I forgot YOU.
Because of that, it left me totally broken, I trusted on my own strength and relied
on my own understanding, because I was too happy.
I forgot my purpose in life.

Lord, forgive me and I know it's too much but please fill out the HOLE in my heart
Give me back the heart I once had, because I want to be a good example to my child.
Let me be a living testimony about Your Love and how it will transform me
That let me always remember that YOU always loved me and YOU always looked upon me
Make me whole oh, GOD.

Amen..

Staying Alive

When I first met her, it was like the song " Staying Alive" was playing on the background, because of her "terno' black bell bottoms and long sleeves. She was always frowning during those times so nobody dared to talk to her. I got a chance to meet her when Bob saw her smoking at the JTC building stairway. From that moment, we became friends. We started going out, then moving to the same house, then being roommates.. We've been together and inseparable since then, that was about 6 years ago..late of 2006.

We left Philippines because of heart aches and met men that would change our lives forever. We also, at the same time, travelled the road of being left behind and heartache again. If I may say, we have both endured 2 heartbreaks, but I think she had more...hehehe =)

I think GOD was purposely giving me friends who are really tough on the outside, because GOD knows I was a fragile person last time, however, after i gave birth to Ellyce, I think I become so tough.

Thank you Lord, for Guerlain Ross Dolas Ayento, life in Singapore will never be the same and even though we are not gonna be housemate anymore, please take care of her and may we still continue to be together as friends forever. Stay Alive my friend, with your dreams !!!!

For you Laine, this song I dedicate:

Staying Alive
Bee Gees

Well, you can tell by the way I use my walk,
I'm a woman's man, no time to talk.
Music loud and women warm.
I've been kicked around since I was born.
And now it's all right, it's O.K.
And you may look the other way.
We can try to understand
The New York Times' effect on man.
Whether you're a brother
Or whether you're a mother,
You're stayin' alive, stayin' alive.
Feel the city breakin'
And ev'rybody shakin'
And we're stayin' alive, stayin' alive.
Ah, ha, ha, ha,
Stayin' alive.
Stayin' alive.
Ah, ha, ha, ha,
Stayin' alive.
Well now, I get low and I get high
And if I can't get either I really try.
Got the wings of heaven on my shoes
I'm a dancin' man and I just can't lose.
You know it's all right, it's O.K.
I'll live to see another day.
We can try to understand
The New York Times' effect on man.
Whether you're a brother
Or whether you're a mother,
You're stayin' alive, stayin' alive.
Feel the city breakin'
And ev'rybody shakin'
And we're stayin' alive, stayin' alive.
Ah, ha, ha, ha,
Stayin' alive.
Stayin' alive.
Ah, ha, ha, ha,
Stayin' alive.
Life goin' nowhere.
Somebody help me.
Somebody help me, yeah.
Life goin' nowhere.
Somebody help me, yeah.
Stayin' alive
Well, you can tell by the way I use my walk,
I'm a woman's man, no time to talk.
Music loud and women warm.
I've been kicked around since I was born.
And now it's all right, it's O.K.
And you may look the other way.
We can try to understand
The New York Times' effect on man.
Whether you're a brother
Or whether you're a mother,
You're stayin' alive, stayin' alive.
Feel the city breakin'
And ev'rybody shakin'
And we're stayin' alive, stayin' alive.
Ah, ha, ha, ha,
Stayin' alive.
Stayin' alive.
Ah, ha, ha, ha,
Stayin' alive.
Life goin' nowhere.
Somebody help me.
Somebody help me, yeah.
Life goin' nowhere.
Somebody help me, yeah.
Stayin' alive
Life goin' nowhere.
Somebody help me.
Somebody help me, yeah.
Life goin' nowhere.
Somebody help me, yeah.
Stayin' alive 

Muling Nangagrap

Isang taon na lang mag eexpire na ang re entry permit namin mag-ina. November 26, 2013 to be exact. Kinakabahan ako, napakabilis ng panahon. 2006 tapos feeling ko bigla na lang 2013 na.. Anim na taon at kalahati. Nagtagal na ako sa bansang ito. Kung tutuusin ito na ang tirahan ko. Parang wala na ako babalikan sa kinagisnan ko. Dito na kami namuhay mag-ina.

Marami ako mga plano. Plan A, Plan B at Plan C. Pero sa tapusan ng mga plano isa lang naman ang tinatakbuhan ko. Ikaw lang, Panginoon..Dinala mo ako dito sa Singapore, nung una parang mga pawang mga plano lang rin at mga pangarap na nagkatotoo..

Mangangarap ulit ako, Panginoon..at gusto ko malaman mo, na kahit ano mangyari..kung Plan A o Plan B o Plan C man ang piliin Mo, patuloy ako magtitiwala..mangangarap..di na mag isa kungdi kasama na si Ellyce..yung munti mong regalo sa akin..

Maraming salamat sa Buhay. Sa pag-asa, sa mga kaibigan, sa paghihirap, sa mga pagsubok..Sa pagmamahal at pagtitiwala na kakayanin ko ang lahat...Paslit pa rin pala ako sa mga mata Mo, kasi umiiyak pa rin ako pag nasusugatan, nasasaktan..Ikaw pa rin ang tinatakbuhan ko..

Looking forward to be amazed this coming 2013...=) Praise be to You!!!

Bato

Nasubukan mo na bang maging bato? Pagod na ang leeg ko kakatingala, gusto ko na tumungo Pero hindi ko magawa, dahil mga luha ko ay tutulo. Pagod na ako maging malakas, wala na ako mapaghugutan. Para bang lalo ako lumalaban, Lalo dumadami ang mga pangyayaring tumutulak sa kin para sumuko. Minsan na ako tumungo, lumuhod at nanalangin, Gusto kong isipin na naririnig ako ng Diyos. Pero bakit ang hirap hirap pa rin. Sobra sobra ba ginawa ko na kasalanan, ultimo Sya di na ako mapatawad??? Sa aking pagtungo, maraming luha ang pumatak, Di pala ako "bato". Tao pa rin na nasasaktan...

Mother's Day 2012

It's will be the 4th time I am privileged to be greeted "happy mother's day" on this special occasion and each year has been a different feeling for me...

Mother's day was celebrated last May 13, 2012 and I, like millions of mother around the world receive messages and greetings in emails, chats, FB, you name it...It's a special feeling and it is an honor...I was presented by an art craft made of a heart and a song from my ever dearest sweet daughter...She has her ways making this day special for me.. She even greeted me in advance. =)

This year, I felt 3 things regarding my current status as a single mother. Let me elaborate these to you:

1. I felt a little envy. I found my colleagues at work talking about how they will celebrate it with their husbands and how their husbands would surprise them and deep in my heart there is a little pain, not because I do not have David beside me but "there is nobody beside me". I am alone and I let myself be alone for 4 years..I was thinking at the back of my mind how it would be nice to celebrate it with somebody other than my child.

2. I think of myself pretty again, I felt happy... as in satisfaction happy..let's just say I can still make heads turn even at 35.. =P

3. I felt very offended, I just don't understand why some people just any how tell others your situation as if it's not in a personal level and they do this just to feed their egos. One of my caring guy colleagues asked me innocently " earlene, why do they greet you mother's day when you are single, are you not offended?", I answered him nicely and told him that I have a child therefore I am a mother. But my girl colleague just butt in and said can't you get it "she is a single mom"...haaizzz...and it did not stop her from telling each person who would ask who am I? she will always add this 5 little words " she is a single mom" as if I have a scarlet letter on my forehead..I don't deny it, but I do not want every single living creature in this planet know. I do not want people to pity me and my child, and I do not want them to belittle  us just because a selfish guy just cannot be responsible...

Single mom, or a married mom, what ever it is, the mother day was celebrated to honor the women who were given a chance to have a child/children and took that chance and decided to bring a life to this world.  I salute all those women out there, it's not easy and motherhood is a choice and a journey that is for ever.....

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY, LADIES....

WAPAK

The other day, I realized how I can affect another person, in a special way...

We were viewing houses to rent for this coming year because our rental contract will end on January 31st, 2012. Knowing expenses are getting high , I never expected to find a house rent lower than what we have now. Also, I have some restrictions to the next house that we are going to rent, because my child will start studying this year.

First restriction is, I need to get my own room, because she is getting bigger now. I cannot share rooms with Laine, mainly I am considered a single unit of community with the father missing in action, so i have a mom as a proxy to take care of my child when I am working. second restriction is it should be within the neighbourhood because the school she is registered to only will recognize her staying there as s student if all their requirements are matched, which included the location we are staying. When you are on a limited budget and a lot of restrictions, your window of options is quite small, like a pin hole as I would say.

The only solution that I can think of at the moment is to tell my friend, who is also our agent to be true to all my request. To be honest I am not sure if for him these are demands...hehehe =)
But the saying "finding a needle in a haystack" will not coined if it has not happened before...and by God's grace.. we found a house... not only that I need but my flatmates loves....

But what really caught white handly was the reaction of my friend agent, he told me he was willing to shell out the necessary money to help us out to transfer to the house we wanted. I asked him for the reason, he said because I am a good person, I was kind to him during the time he needed a friend. That I was a a good hearted person...and he will forever cherish. I was so touched by his words, i never knew that by being myself I had a great impact on another person's life...

What I lack, GOD finds people to help me out to have it...THANK YOU LORD...

THANK YOU FOR A GOOD 2012 start..............

Life of Luxury

I attended our dinner and dance tonight and the theme of the party was life of luxury...

Hmm....I imagined myself of life of luxury...I go to stores, where I look a the fabric when buying clothes and not the price tags. I eat what I want to eat. I go to places, I way to discover...Ellyce and me would travel a lot...I'll live in Canada with Dag and Nilo...cause I needed a fresh start.

I'd still keep my job, I'd hire a nanny and send my mom back to Philippines. I would buy a house and lot on Ellyce name. Get her a trust fund. Share some of my blessings to the church I am attending...I pray for it to have a place of worship...

I'll have our house get major renovations...I want a three story house with 6 bedrooms...A play room and a place for cooking...

I would sponsor a cousin to study....and have a blast in life....

Life of Luxury for me is taking out the limits and the boundaries of budget....hehehhehe

2012......

Before the closing of 2011.. I like to list all of t he things I am thankful for...Thank you, Lord for :

1. Paying my loan for Standard Chartered.

2. Approval of my Dad's long term visa.

3. Ellyce, smooth enrollment to school here in Singapore

4. A new job

5. Increase in salary

6. Payment of my other personal debts to close friends..

7. List of debts, getting shorter.

8. Elmer and Ecats visit to SG

9.Travel to Ho Chi Minh, Vietnam and Genting, Malaysia

10.My macbook air

11. My HP Compaq laptop computer

12. Savings for Ellyce and myself.

Praying for 2012..

1. Singaporean citizenship approval

2. Fulfilling job.

3. Increase in Salary.

4. Tithing to continue

5. To fall in love and meet God's Will

6. To come home to Philippines this Christmas

7. To spend my 35th birthday in another country..(Japan, or Korea or HK)

8.To finish off my personal debts.

Lord, you kept me growing and walking to Life steadily...I know You will be there all the way..

Thank you for all the blessings and gift of Life...

Earlene

10/12/11

0039 hrs

Death

I watched Breaking Dawn Part 1 with my housemates. I took me by surprise, that same reaction Edward Cullen and Bella was going through, send me back to past. I never wanted to visit it anymore, that part of my past, because of too many unspoken words, and due to this unspoken words, there were of course, unanswered questions....

It brought be back April 10, 2008 at Bedok Reservior to be exact. It was drizzling, the same reactions, Edward said, that was the same things he said...The first words, were..."Are, you okay?" "Do you feel sick?".. and ""It's all my fault"...Then time stood still....

Watching the movie, in a way, gave me some answers, but answers that are all maybes....Bella to Edward was like oxygen, it made him feel whole again..Life made sense with her....and even just the thought of losing her...makes his heart stop beating... as if vampires have beating hearts... =)

In a way let's put it that life will stop revolving....I never knew I had that impact on him..Until this very day, he says life has been hard on him...well, to be honest, life to all has been hard...that is why there is a saying " Pray not for life to be easy, but for you to be stronger"....

I know, he does not know, but if this blog would reach him, I'd like to say..I wanted to chose you, I wanted to my very last breath to be with you..to cherish all the days with you just like before..But the part of me that you wanted me to sacrifice just to have that is a fruit and the evidence of our love...

If for you, life now is hard, I tell you, now, As if a part of me died...I cannot be the same person anymore, and my worse opponent is myself getting back on track...I need to be sane, to breath...for her...I forgotten to be angry anymore...and at times I feel like, I am not human as well, to forgive the man, who took her chance of having a dad....

Death also came to me...I lose confidence, I grew lot of white hair, I had to live up to the things that I have, and have loneliness beside me.....I also died.. I do not know why you still want to hide...but I suggest coming out in the open is the first step to setting yourself free...

3 years, is a good enough track that I never wanted for your money....as for Edward and Bella..forever is just the beginning.. but for us, it ended that day...it was drizzling and when the rain stopped.. our hearts stopped beating as well...

No Expextations

When things come least expected and it's good.. you are overwhelmed by the great luck you received. But when something happened unexpected and you got hurt, you build a fortress to help you not to touch those hot waters again...

In the situation I am now, I wanted to build a wall but I know I should take the latter, and that is to not to expect...these are the times when "no" is associated to a word and it becomes a good thing.. " NO EXPECTATIONS"....However, these words does not come in small packages, you need great deal of attitude and character to conquer it...As they say attitude is 10% of what is happening to you but it's 90% of how you choose to react....I got tired of being historical and hysterical as my pastor say...She said, when we are angry, we become hysterical..shouting, cursing, adding ridicule to insult..I also become historical, digging the ghost of past and let them haunt me until I get to a point of exploding....

If there are no expectations, you are conquering your fears, and most of all you are to the best of your character, meaning being true to yourself to forgive...Forgive the person who hurt you, and most of all to forgive yourself for letting it take over you...I am no saint, but I know I am still of clear mind...because I can forgive...NO EXPECTATIONS anymore....

OUCH!!!

"I have learned now that while those who speak about ones miseries usually hurt, but those who keep silence hurt more. " — C.S. Lewis

It hurts I admit, until now, it does. But the situation can hurt you as long as you allow it to. I thought to myself, life has to move on...your life is moving on, what should be the reason why mine can't?

Scanning to those photos, made my head hurt, because of all the questions that keep on popping in my mind. At first I acted of hiding, keeping away...but then again I thought, why would I hide..I was no the liar...

The truth is that I loved you...I hurt inside because I trusted you..I was true to those feelings during the time we were together...even the little hope I have now, diminished..

To be honest, I am happy for you, you have your plans coming together, your brother is here.. you have a good job, that provides for your family.. you made your mom proud....but you are the worst father of them all...how can you live each day??? how can you even breath....??

One day, time will fly away and I'll be just laughing about these things....and that time starts now......

Inevitable

Inevitable
May 16th, 2007 by earlene0356

Inside her mind she is trying to find
Nowhere to see but within her heart
Entitled to sorrow
Vent to oneself
In time it will be cured
Till then let not unfold
Allow space to change and behold
Beneath the tears and the pain
Lies a smile waiting to unveil
Eventually this girl will see sunshine again

Officially Closed

I am officially closing this blogsite. I am creating a new one, but I still do not know when. The memories I have in it, are wonderful and mind opening for a simple girl like me.

I have grown to be stronger and more wise. Thank you for all my friends who always visit it and try to read my never ending search of true love. I guess, I am still a failure at this time, but I am more than happy with no regrets of what I have gained and experienced.

I do not want to bring up the past again. I will just look into the future. of what it is in store for me. I will be ready for it as I know it would be more challenging and more breath taking. I am ready to captue every opportunity, feel every inch of it and always stand up victorious.

If I lose.. then let it be another story...hope you guys will still be supporting me and encouraging me like you have done before...

Until I find the right blogsite....

Thank you.......

Pagsulat Muli

Matagal tagal na ako di nakakapagsulat. Ayoko na kasi ilagay yung mga kwento ko tungkol sa aking buhay pag-ibig. Minsan naiisip ko, wala na kapupulutan na aral ang aking mga karanasan. hehehe drama ba?

Pero yung mga natutunan ko na lang sasabihin ko...

1. Pag nagmahal ka, totoo yung sinasabi nila na dapat lagi ka magtitira para sa sarili mo. Wag mo ibigay ang 100 %. Sabi nga nila nobody will love you more, but yourself.

2. It's okey to show your feelings, it's your right. Mas sinusuppress mo yung nararamdaman mo, mas magpupumiglas yan.

3. Learn to balance things, wag lagi puso, wag lagi utak. Minsan raw pag pagod na ang puso, utak naman ang gamitin, at pag pagod na ang utak, puso naman ang pairalin.

4. Magkaiba kayo na tao, at dahil dito magkaiba kayo ng pananaw sa mga bagay bagay..Don't ever assume. Try to ask questions...Magmatapang, tulad ng ninuno nating si Andres Bonifacio...hehehe

5. Don't set your expectations too high..love counts more if it comes in gestures of assurance, hugs, kisses, saying take care, i love you.

6. Don't try to change that person to fit your "ideal person"

7. Always talk, talking is the key, when you talk you discover things about the other person, you learn things are not what it seems.

8. Make each other laugh, dun mo makikita na, lahat pala tayo may special talent na mag punch line...hehhe

9. Take time to give each other time and at the same time learn when to give some space, dapat may breathing ground rin. Maganda yun kasi namimiss nyo ang isa't isa

10. If all things fail, sometimes, okey lang magpahinga, collect your thoughts. If ayaw mo na talaga, tell it to the other person. To be fair...

Ano expert na ba ako? nyahaha

Ito, if all things fail...wag raw sa text sabihin, o sa email..kausapin mo kahit for the last time, para makita nya expression ng muka mo, tono ng boses mo, body language, mo..then malalaman mo rin ang totoo at an instant. =)

HEADACHE

Headache you'll always have
Every now and then it come
Always need medicine to relax or
Die of pain all day and night
Act immediately and seek advice
Carry yourself to the doctor
Headache might cause problems tonight and
End your chances to go to DUBAI